BADGE OF HONOR

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@Pinto Art Museum, Antipolo City

I never really knew that my name has a meaning. Whenever someone asked me where I’d get my name, I always say that it was from the combination of my parents name. Little did I know that it really has a definite meaning.

I was reading “The Single Woman’s” blog wherein she tackled all about being single. Then, I get to read one of her articles that tackle about her name and what it meant to her. I am focus on reading in when I paused all of a sudden. I became curious whether my own name has a meaning just like her name. Therefore, I ended up typing my name in Mr. Google’s page. There was that high energy of curiosity, anxiousness and nervousness while the page was loading.

Then, poof! My name suddenly appeared with its own meaning. OMG! My name has a meaning. Oh yeah! It felt like I wanted to light some fireworks and throw some confetti in the air. My name’s not just a random combination of my parents. It has a meaning. Yes!

And here it is.

Frieda or Fridz for short. That is my name. The name I’ve been living with since the day I was born. I never really knew what it means. Thanks for Mr. Google for giving me the answer. Hehehe!

Beautiful. Peaceful Ruler. Famous Bearer.

That’s what Google defined my name. I was stunned. Moreover, a person who has this name is excellent in analyzing, understanding and learning. And when presented with issues, they see the larger picture and tend to be aloof.

Whoah! It feels like the name really suits me from head to toe. I felt a sudden chills run down my spine as the words were slowly getting into me.

But for some reasons, I felt like the opposite of what my name means especially when I think about the past and where I am right now.

Ugly. Troubled, Unpopular.

Growing up, I was never been considered as one of the beautiful girls in school. That is because I am always one of the boys:  unfeminine and mischievous. As time goes by, from being a grade schooler to a college student, I get unpopular to the opposite sex and that really troubled me. It feels like there’s something wrong with me.

Then it appealed to me why I feel that way: ugly, unpopular and troubled. It’s all because of me, of what I think about myself and what I thought I was. Insecurities been consuming my mind and my soul.

1.       I degrade myself.

2.       I judged myself.

3.       I did not improve myself.

4.       I forbid taking my friends’ advice.

5.       I let people see what I think they should see.

6.       I always thought I am not pretty enough.

7.       I am afraid people will laugh at me.

I carry these around for a long time reminding myself who I thought I was, though sometimes I do not mind them at all. But every day, I’m carrying around something that constantly reminding me who I really am: My name. Something I am proud of. This is a reminder for me that I am beautiful no matter what happen, despite of every insecurities and I am beautiful because I am a God’s child.

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